Monday, June 28, 2010

A resume tip I shouldn't have to be handing out.

If you are "let go" from your place of employment for what is best filed under "general incompetence and inability to show up on time, ever" or "didn't actually do work"....

Here's a word to the (un)wise. Do not, after being let go:

(A) Put your former supervisor (hi!) as a reference. I have not forgotten that conversation we had where I had to explain to you about work being, you know, something you do to get money. As opposed to what you were doing, which was not working, and then hoping to get paid for it. Because when I put on my Very Serious Consequences face and informed you that you were not longer welcome in your place of (previous) employment, I did not mean "and also, I will say nice things about you if any potential employers call!" I really am a nice boss, but I am not a liar. I will not put my credibility on the line for you. I will not seek to ruin your life, but seriously, folks: Do not send people to ask me questions (Is this person timely? [no] Reliable? [no] How did their employment end? [In a fiery burst of poor judgment]) that you do not want answered.

(B) Represent to a common acquaintance and coworker in your (new, but short-lived) job that you and I are just superduper friends. We were not friends then. We are not friends now. Again: I am a patient boss. I am a nice boss. But I am not a forgetful boss. Professionalism dictated that I be nice to you then. But that was before law school, and in case you forgot, I'm not your boss anymore. Because I fired you. And while I'm glad you still think I'm "cool," using my name and reputation as a buzzword is not going to get you very far. Especially if you keep using it with people who know me. Believe me, you do not want them to ask my candid opinion of you. They have likely already guessed it.

(C) Suggest that you, Common Acquaintance, and I should all "hang out together" because I (former supervisor) am just So Fun To Hang Out With. Because I, my friend, have not forgotten how much you sucked at your job. Please see above. And when you make this suggestion, Common Acquaintance will call me to get the scoop---and you, my friend, will be outed as Generally Incompetent Gina. I do not go about town advertising the fact that your employment was terminated. Do not do yourself the disfavor of bringing that fact up through your efforts to impress people.

To summarize:
1. Your boss is not your friend.
2. Especially if they haven't spoken to you in 4 years.
3. And they fired you.
4. So, seriously, stop pretending that we are friends.
5. Because inevitably, it will get back to me. And then you will be outed as a lying liar. And it will be awkward for everyone.

This is a basic lesson in life skills, folks.


lawschoolwife said...

I have oh so many job search tips after a few stints being in charge of the first round of resume process. People are idiots. It took all of my will power to not write each and every single one an email back "Thanks for your interest in our position. Unfortunately, because of your inability to correctly use "you're" and "your" in your writing sample, you are not qualified for a job requiring a strong grasp of grammar, spelling and AP style." I think I might actually hate people, which is funny, because I'm always told I'm a "people person."

Vittoria said...

this is just... i mean. "wtf" was invented for situations like this.

Write and Wrong said...

I feel like there is a REALLY funny story here that you're not telling us. lol Nonetheless, it's funny how people get cozy with their bosses these days, forgetting that they're really not friends.

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson