Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I Watch Top Model (So you don't have to)...Bonus Round

Dudes. And dudettes. I love this show so freakin' much.
A brief recap so that I can get us back in line for Fantasy ANTM:*

Week 2:

Toccara, one of the six successful ANTM alumni, takes the girls on a party bus for model trivia. If you have watched more than 2 seasons of Top Model, you would totally kick ass at this game. Shockingly, no one gets punched. The Blue Team (Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica, Krista and Simone) win a go-see at Bluefly. There, the Bluefly reps think that Jessica needs a sandwich (amen) and award Simone the challenge prize.

Sidebar: I have a problem with the fact that we have for some reason invited Bianca/"Imma Cut You, Bitch" and Laura/"I Castrated a Bull, Y'all!" to give commentary on this show. You know who would give great commentary? This girl (Three weeks late, but whatever). KK. Roommate. Clinton Kelly. Not Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Oh-just-forget-about-the-batshit-crazy-incident.

The girls take pictures as dancers. It's a hot mess, but I don't have time to revisit that tonight.

At judging, Tyra tells Alasia that her picture is as good as her outfit is bad. Which is pretty freaking extreme, because she's shown up in what could be generously called a metallic jumpsuit (as opposed to abhorrent shiny crime against humanity). Ren and Brenda are in the bottom two. Ren, as per usual, looks high. Ren has been questioning her own desire to be here all week, so she goes home. Mercifully, she does not cry.

Week 3:
Brenda gets a makeover early this episode to make her 'edgier.' Again, she cries--this time though, it's probably fair, since they've gone and given her a fauxhawk. The girls gather in a circle like vultures and smirk.

This episode is the token 'acting' show. When the girls come into their teaching session, Angelea calls Ms. J her "boo." Apparently the producers are trying to make her look less like a crazed psychokiller. No one's buying it. Brenda has to participate in an improv session where she must change a tire on a tractor while acting 'shocked.' The teacher thinks that she looks "like she was making cotton candy...sideways."

The girls go to Times Square with that one chick from Heroes (the new face of Covergirl...what happened to last season's winner, Nicole?). Simone explains to us how modeling is much different than her life in academia, as a college sophomore, effectively dispelling my original affection for her. Tatiana throws her hair around, and predictably, is rewarded for 'taking risks.' Even though she has weird teeth.

Anslee and Alasia get into an epic screaming fit about who is a real woman because Anslee starts scolding her about food. The girls get a Tyra Mail warning them about the no-neck monster. Jessica, naturally, assumes snakes. It's vampires. Mr. J arrives as 'head vampire,' fresh from his late-night foray into the wardrobe locker for the Matrix. At the news that they will all be wearing whiteout lens, Krista gives Mr. J the most pricelessly awesome look I have ever seen: a combination of "bitch, please" and "awww hellll no."

The photoshoot is in a bathtub full of fake blood. Because, you know, vampires bathe in blood. Right? The girls pose to varying degrees of effect. Angelea is told to pretend that the male model is her lover, so she grabs him by the crotch. Subtle. Brenda cries about her lens, then tells us she is in love with the model (it's been a rough day for him). Tatiana manages to make the whole thing look like a hospital delivery room, and I am required to take a very serious drink to make it all go away.

At judging, Anslee makes excuses. This goes over like a ton of bricks. When she's called on this, however, she demonstrates that she actually has watched this show before, and takes responsibility. Good call for survival, kiddo. Alasia is called first, virtually guaranteeing that someone will smack her in the next two episodes. Anslee and Simone are the bottom two, and Simone is eliminated. This makes very little sense, but as Simone was probably too smart to be there anyway, it's probably for the best. Tyra goes off about 'breaking her to make her': if that one doesn't show up in the next two seasons, I'll be shocked.

Promising previews: In the next episode (tonight! Hooray!) one of the models tries to seduce Nigel. The Announcer-Man tries to make this big drama, but no one watching actually believes this is the first time that's happened.

If you're looking for Fantasy ANTM scores, they are here. Prior weeks' wrapups are here.

Current leader? Funny Mean Friend, with KK hot on her heels.

BONUS POINTS: If you email me before 8pm EST on Weds with a guess for who gets the boot, and who gets called win a point each (to keep us all in the game. And winning. Because we are winners). Starts next week. I'll remind you.

If y'all have further points/stuff suggestions, do tell. I only wish we could make this a drinking game. For the rest of you, sorry. Will resume the regularly scheduled law school postings shortly.


IbisCaraib said...

I bet on all of the wrong horses...

kk said...

I too hate the commentary during the commercials. WHY? WHY? WHY? I'm dropping out of lawyer college and applying for this position stat.

In it to my eyeballs said...


Winning is the best.

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson