Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Watch Top Model (So you don't have to)

Inspired by KK, welcome to the first weekly session of I Watch Top Model (so you don't have to). If you have testosterone, take your life too seriously, or expected some kind of legitimate substance from this blog, it would be best if you clicked away now. Ok, then? Oh, and if you're not currently competing in the Fantasy Top Model league, you're totally missing out (see below). Anyway. Without further ado, the last episode:
(Sidebar: If anyone knows where I can find some still photos of the episodes without incurring the wrath of the Banks Empire, do let me know).

The girls showed up for their first photo shoot: they get to choose one article of clothing, but otherwise, they are totally nude. Gabrielle, bless her heart, chose gold leggings- because, if you have to be mostly-naked, you might as well be mostly-naked with lame. Angelea flashed her hoo-ha to the group, and Brenda wants her to go home, "because her personality is just horrid."
Angelea, friends and strangers, is this season's tranny-faced model. She's a real piece of work. Mr. Jay is rocking the kilt look at this photo shoot. Ren puts on a mad hatter hat and refuses to talk to anyone but the hair and makeup people.

Andre Leon Talley, Vogue editor-at-large, is a guest judge this season. My best guess is that this is Tyra's latest grasp at couture. Nigel Barker is inexplicably wearing a weird pinstripe suit. At judging, Gabrielle gets reamed for being....boring? I'm not sure. I was blinded by her pants. Alasia gets chewed out for taking a butt shot, but since ALT would hang it in his salon, she's spared from elimination.

When the chips fall and Tyra puts on her Serious Voice, little brunette Jessica gets called first as the best photo of the bunch this week. Watch out for this one, folks. She's all sugar and spice and everything marketable and nice. Alasia the butt-shot girl and Gabrielle are the bottom two, and Gabrielle goes home.

The girls return to their apartment, whereupon we get a nice shot of Ren pouring herself a serious glass of wine (atta girl, Ren). Ren is also, she reminds us, far too intelligent to be here. Probably true, honey, but let's not get on our high horse now, shall we? Naduah tells us that she was (a) in a cult, (b) invited to pose for Playboy, and (c) lived on the street. Because Tyra's involved in these shenanigans, there is an equal chance that she is a pathological liar, or one of the many cult member/homeless/playboy model girls that was recruited for this project.

Ms. J, Runway-diva-coach-extraordinaire, teaches the girls to walk, then sends them out to cross a busy New York street in traffic. The irony of the fact that some of these girls are sent to walk the street is not lost on me.

The girls are sent to a runway challenge. The theme is timing- two giant pendulums swing back and forth over the runway, which is basically a great excuse for us to all watch aspiring models get knocked in the head. Reality television: you can't beat it. Naduah informs us that she is sexy and the judges love her, just as Ms. J starts making faces. The important thing to know here is that Alexandra the plus size model falls down an entire flight of stairs, and then gets knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Brenda wins this challenge, so she and Jessica get to keep their outfits for the night.

Ren immediately goes home and gets into a fight with Alasia, most of which is bleeped out (except, interestingly enough, when Alasia tells her that she's acting like real bitch). Alasia warns her that she's "got the wrong female" and that "I may be young, but that don't give nobody no intitiative to say nothing to me...I hate having to snap on people." Alasia: solid gold reality programming. Ren cries. Alasia reminds her that she knows where she sleeps. God I love this show.

Beauty shots the next morning--the girls spray purple perfume on themselves and squint into a wind machine. Naduah comes home, puts on a mardi gras mask, and tells us how great she is. Ren cries again...sanity, happiness, etc. When the girls go to judging, Alasia gets dinged for having something that looks like drool hanging off her chin. Ren gets in trouble for "having the kind of picture that sells H1N1 vaccine." It's a bodily fluids sort of day at Top Model. Naduah inexplicably shows up in a hot pink Fredericks of Hollywood corset.

I briefly blacked out, but I think I heard Andre the Fabulous say something about the smell of whoopass. So. There's that. Raina gets called first, and Naduah and Ren are the bottom two models. Naduah goes home.

Next week: More fighting, and a ride on the 'fab bus.' The models pose as dancers, and Ren complains about wanting to go home. Alasia dresses like an interpretive dancing stripper. Hilarity ensues.

Current Fantasy Top Model Leader? Funny Mean Friend. Rules are posted here. Scores are posted here.

*That crashing sound you heard was the sound of my last 2 remaining readers smashing their faces into their desks.


idwsj said...

i like this series

IbisCaraib said...

Damnit! I'm going to need my remaining picks to get it together...

Cowgirl in the City said...

LOL! You crack me up, I missed the irony of street walking when I watched the episode ... awesome. :)

I love ANTM, and I love your synopsis! Thanks!

ohhayitskk said...

I love you for this. A LOT. I die. However, am I pissed I'm not in the lead? I sure am.

In it to my eyeballs said...


All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson