I'm a Westlaw Slut.

For those who are uninitiated into the magical world of legal research, there are two major players in the world of online legal databases: Westlaw and LexisNexis. They are what law students use when we can't find it on wikipedia  the source of free pizza at least twice a month basically they PubMed of the legal world.

Generally speaking, these two research engines have everything under the sun (except that one source you need for your journal cite check, obviously. That's in the microfiche): cases, ALR's, Black's, AmJur, assorted legal scholarship, etc, etc.* Moreover, they have all sorts of fabulous tools (Shepard's, Keycite) to make sure that you don't go off citing cases that will make opposing counsel point and laugh at you. As students, we have been given free online access to Westlaw and Lexis as part of the "perks" of law school.** Free actually means: "ha, ha, law school, you pick up the bill for once" but that's a story for another day.

In the real world, using Lexis and Westlaw can be very expensive, which is why every summer there's a horror story about a summer associate who wracked up thousands of dollars in Westlaw charges, and then had to go explain himself to a partner. At the end of the summer, when they pass out summer associate report cards, the firm will make him stand next to the girl who got too drunk at the firm mixer and vomited on the partner's wife. The moral of our legal research classes, in essence, is "don't be That Guy" when it comes to legal research.

Lexis and Westlaw, of course, would love for us all to be "That Guy," which is why they bribe us to use their services. Free points! Free food! Goodies every time you use our service! Look, there's candy in our sketchy van! There are points for quizzes and points for searches- you can do trainings for points and you can even do fun seasonal activities for points (Guess the jelly beans! How many seeds in the pumpkin?). We are constantly courted by the reps: isn't it pretty? Don't you looooove the nice keynotes? This BriefCheck looks terrific on you! Once you accrue enough points, you can buy all sorts of goodies. Internet, you know I am a fan of goodies.

Because I'm a sucker for compliments love free things don't like doing homework an equal opportunity kind of girl, I use both services quite a bit. My Westlaw points can buy the following:

Air mattress

Tent

Magic bullet

Digital Camera

Ugly purse

Hedge trimmer

Golf clubs

Knife block

ipod touch

I'm not one to neglect Lexis, of course: they'll be buying my Starbucks cards for a very long time to come.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm not that kind of girl, unless of course you're passing out giftcards.

 

 

*If these things do not make sense to you, thank your lucky stars.
**Fact: Law school does not have perks. Law school has "less awful things."

Mmmm, pass the salt.

For those of you Good Guilt Ridden Catholics out there, Ash Wednesday is tomorrow- this a perfectly appropriate time to give up on all the fun that law school's not letting you have, and call it a sacrifice, instead of "spring semester."

Also, in the event that you're the kind of Good Guilt Ridden Catholic that my mother wants me spending more time with, and you won't be eating meat on Fridays for the next 40 days- good news:



As of the 16th Century, these guys are officially Pope-sanctioned fish. Capybara it up! I have dibs on the little one in the corner.

Law School Roundup #161

Welcome to Law School Roundup #161. It's been an 80's flashback week here in the But No Thanks household, so consider yourself warned.

Without further ado, here's this week's selection of posts from law students aspiring, recovering, and still avoiding their homework by watching The Princess Bride again:

Inconceivable! Research, old-school style (Terra Nullius)

Rhyming? Not quite. A haiku on property. (Law School Haiku)

"There's not a lot of money in revenge": Law schools are also feeling the pinch. A word of advice: work as a henchman pays the bills. (The Shark)

Rodents of Unusual Size: Sometimes, the boss is really just a rat. (A New Duck)

"You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass": Luke Gilman on performance enhancing nerd drugs. (The Blawgraphy)

"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles": A reflection on the long journey through law school (Magic Cookie).

Call in the Brute Squad: A security incident in the library (No. 634)

Wuv, Twuw Wuv: Stepping off the soapbox for a moment at the request of a good friend. (Virigin in the Volacano).

"Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.": Getting creative with job search strategies in a tough market. (Butterflyfish)

"If we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something": Searching for advice on how to attack the problem of law school doldrums (Laughing: With Or At You)

Six Fingered Men: Dealing with the charmers that attend law school (Delicious Torts)

My name is Inigo Montoya...You killed my fun, prepare to be mooted (Love Won't Get You On The Bus)


Look for next week's roundup at the Legal Underground, and then back here again in 2 weeks. If you want to be added to the blog roll, but don't see yourself up there, shoot me an email and we'll get you on the wall of dis-honor.


Kisses!

Why I Love Darwin, Part 341

Darwin: Who is this person?

Me: He's that law review guy, the shady one.

Darwin: Oh! Yeah. I don't trust him.

Me: Me either. Also, he wears oversized suit jackets and sunglasses inside.

Me: And a backwards baseball cap. Sometimes, it's time to let go of the eighties.

Darwin: Yeah. Miami Vice called, they want their white pants back.

February: Now Worse than March in all 50 States

It is not yet spring, no matter how hard I may try to wish spring into being. Instead, it is the dreary, wretched, soul-crushing post-winter Armageddon that only February knows how to bring.

I hate February. If it weren't for conversation hearts, I would boycott it entirely.
February sneaks up on you, with its promises of long weekends and Valentine's Day flowers. Then, without warning, February kicks you in the teeth, steals your lunch money, and sleeps with your boyfriend, just because it can. Every successful evil mastermind was a February baby.

February pretends to be nice, but it's just a guise, to get you to start thinking about things like putting your long underwear away, and the pleasure of walking to school without the snot in your nose freezing. If February appears to be carrying promises of good things yet to come, don't believe it. It's just another bit in its clever bag of tricks, to break you before March swoops in with basketball and spring breaks and some glimmer of hope.

It's worse in law school. Now, in addition to the smash-and-grab approach that the winter weather inflicts on you, there's the inevitable early-February realization: "Oh dear eight-pound, six ounce sweet baby Jesus, I have somehow gotten two months behind in my reading. And it's not even spring yet." Then, while the spectre of law school prances gleefully around your newly dug academic grave, February kicks you in the teeth, and then throws some windchill at you. "You're screwed!" February cackles, and a chorus of tiny gremlins toting Cherminsky chime in.

February's such a bitch. Which is why, on this grayest of days, I'm ensconced in the Journal office, staving off despair by eating every conversation heart in a 10 foot radius. I'm typing endlessly on my Corporations homework, trying to soak up the tropic temperatures at the law school, and reminding myself that this is the shortest month of the year for a reason. I won't be broken by the wiles of February. Because really: when you've gotten through the demoralizing treatment of law school, what more can February throw at you?

But when I get home, February, watch out. Because Kahlua + Schnapps + Cocoa = Heaven. Even in horrible, horrible February.

This is just to say...

....This afternoon, it dawned on me:

Yes, I was right about all that.

You know, the elusive, nondescript, ever-present All That. The All That which encompasses naysayers, killjoys, whether it was a left or a right at the corner, career dreams, spontaneous risks, the proper role of Chunk Lite Tuna, and the value of broccoli. Gosh, it's good to be vindicated, isn't it?

Which can only lead to one conclusion: I win. And Internet, I'm not sure if you're acquainted with my philosophy, but when I say that I win, it automatically makes it so. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I mean, there's still graduation and the bar to get through. But in theory, I like it here. I'm good at this. I'm halfway done! The Journal of Fun does not yet make me want to strangle someone. I'm dating a total fox.* Roommate and Sofa are the best roommates ever. That bat never did get into the living room. All things considered, I think we can chalk these things up in the "win" column.


....It's all very "I'm on the right path, but in a snarky way," isn't it? I know. I'm having an excessively holistic day.

Win.




* Darwin, not Sofa.

Law School Roundup #160

This week's Law School Roundup is up over at The Legal Underground- check it out for good posts this week from law students current, aspiring, and recovering.

Check back here, same great place and time, for next week's Roundup!

I am the Grand High Priestess of Everything

...slash, Master of the Universe.

...slash, Editor in Chief of the Journal.




Enter the era of twitchy control freaks. I'm so all over that business. Bluebook, ho!

Just What Every Little Girl Dreams Of

I'm trudging through the law school exhausted today, because I couldn't sleep last night. Why, you ask? Well, gentle reader, I shall tell you.

I couldn't sleep because I had a law school nightmare.*

Last night, I dreamt that I had a Very Serious Important Project due, and I couldn't, for the life of me, find the sources that I needed. I was frantically perusing Westlaw,** working myself into a holy panic- you know, the usual. This, in itself, is not much to lose sleep over. The thing that troubled me in this dream, however, was that I was on a very, very tight schedule, because I was getting married. In 3 days.***

Moreover, I was particularly upset about planning this wedding because I had to do it entirely on Westlaw. On some level, my mind must have done the following calculus: Westlaw has everything, therefore, Westlaw has bridesmaid dresses, therefore, a wedding can be planned on Westlaw. The result of this reasoning was that, in my sick head, computer screens flashed before my eyes as I pounded my desk in frustration. Where was the database for caterers?! Shouldn't "brid! /s (shoe or foot!) /25 "sparkle"" turn up something to wear on my feet? What would be an appropriate natural language search for "something borrowed, something blue"? Are officants listed in the professional directories?

In between these dream-freakouts, I would ponder the impossiblity. Why had I waited so long to plan this? How was I going to get done by my deadline? Basically, an identical freakout to every time I've had something due in law school- the combination of "oh crap I'm never going to get it done" combined with the illogical conviction that, yes, I may have procrastinated, but I'm going to get away with it. Again.

It was all so vivid that even in my dream, I was able to overlook the lunacy of it all. Until this morning, when I stared at the ceiling and thought: "Why would I be looking for orange taffeta, anyway?"

I may be losing my mind.

Lesson learned: I need to get out more. A lot more. And FYI, Westlaw does not, in fact, have everything.





*What's that you say? Every waking moment here is a nightmare? Touche. But that's not what meant.

**Dear sole non-law reader: Westlaw is a legal database. In law school, they give us lots of free things to use their services. Then, when we graduate, they charge us through the nose for them.

***Chill out, Internet. I'm not getting married.

Law School Roundup #159

Welcome to Law School Roundup #159.

This week, keep in mind: it's not a trick, it's an illusion. A trick is something...well, you get the idea. And this week's theme! If not, get thee a hulu membership, and catch up on your Arrested Development.

Without further ado, here's this week's selection of posts from law students aspiring, recovering, and still slogging away:


Definitely Not a Nevernude: Indecent exposure in the classroom. (Starting to Melt)

"Something you apply for, and they pay you to...nevermind, I don't want to ruin the surprise": Seeking Career Services' help as an evening student. (Fight the Hypo)

That would never happen in Little Britain: Accosted by the public toilets, again. ((In)Sanity Souffle)

The Inner Beauty Pageant: Moot Court- like a pageant, but meaner. (My Legal Fiction)

Pop-pop gets a treat? Thoughts on cheese. (A New Duck)

There's Always Money in the Banana Stand: The gang at War of All Against All debates the 1L job search, grades, etc. Approaches include, "stay out of the 2L/3Ls way," "just give up," and "be a hot chick" (War of All Against All).

Bob Loblaw's Law Blog? The search for substance in a blawggy world (No. 634)

"That is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit": Advice on business attire that won't leave you looking like a fool at the MotherBoy Dance. (think like a woman act like a man)

No, what I'm calling you is a television actor. Tranny Head tells the bar exam whats up (Tranny Head Rawks...And is Hawter Than You)

Better not call the Hot Cops: Stoners on the loose. (You've Got the Rubber Chicken)

Blue Man Group: A sweet tribute to a special sort of friend (Cause of Action)

Watch out for loose seal! Its practically swimming weather (delicious torts).


Look for next week's roundup at the Legal Underground, and then back here again in 2 weeks. If you want to be added to the blog roll, but don't see yourself up there, shoot me an email and we'll get you on the wall of dis-honor.


Kisses!

"I Am Not A Crook," and Other Valuable Campaign Slogans: In Which I Run for Office

So I'm doing my very best to get a position as Editor in Chief of the journal. The journal, which, despite my griping about bluebooking and students notes, I like quite a bit (and not just as a resume padder...though it helps). The position is elected, so I bit the bullet and announced my candidacy this week.

I am aware that this is a dangerous proposition for me. It could be a terrific experience: lots of hard work that ultimately pays off, I enhance my academic credentials while furthering the prestige of the journal and wielding power and influence (all for the benefit of my fellow man). Later, the Journal will be nominated for a Pulitzer.

It could also reduce me to a blithering, macro-obsessed mess, as I sob inconsolably to Darwin about en dashes and wake Roommate up in the wee hours to worry over the Rule of 5.

(Sorry, are you new here? I'm a little neurotic.)

I weighed this decision with Funny Mean Friend, who had a pretty spot-on assessment:

Nobody: so I am running for Editor in Chief of my journalbecause you know what I need?

a) more resume padding

b) an excuse to get stabby over prepositions

FMF: both very valuable things

plus, you are so a twitchy control freak

She's totally right.

Anyway, the whole process is a lot like running for student body positions in middle school: lots of glad handling and smiling pretty, so that you can give a speech and people can tear you apart the minute you leave the room. I've had the good fortune to keep my dirty laundry strewn across the bedroom floor, and not across the law school, so I'm less susceptible to the inevitable sniping than I might otherwise be.

This is not to say I'm looking forward to it- trying to get myself elected, that is. Campaigning is not a particular strength of mine. It goes against my character to stand around and ask people to like me. Redeeming qualities are just coming out my ears. I mean, if you don't have the good sense to see it off the bat: should I really have to convince you? Yeah, exactly. I'm just not that cuddly or friendly. But, you know. Totally electable. Get on that.

Vote for Twitchy Control Freak buttons will be coming out next week. Wear yours with pride.

Epic Grammar Fail

My little freshmen had an assignment due today.

For the love of all that's holy, shouldn't you know by the age of 18 about subject/verb agreement? Or thesis sentences? I mean, really. I know I play fast and loose with grammar, but I'm a blogger. Hamilton and Jefferson would not appreciate your tendency to write things like:

"It is intrinsikally natural for the president to have complete control after the second Tuesday in Nov. had ended, That is why our government discourages public participation."

(loosely paraphrased to protect the grammatically negligent). I do not know what to do with that either, dear reader. I am hurting in my puzzled head. It seems we will be starting back at square one: do they not require composition classes here?

If tomorrow's headline is: "30 Freshman Beaten to Death by Maniac Wielding Strunk and White," send me a cake with a file in it. Or a tiny, tiny rock hammer.

Law School Roundup #158

This week's Law School Roundup is up over at The Legal Underground- check it out for good posts this week from law students current, aspiring, and recovering.

Check back here, same great place and time, for next week's Roundup!