Tuesday, January 27, 2009

"...and hilarity ensued"

I have become enamored of this phrase: "...and hilarity ensued."

I'm not sure when it first flitted through my head, but because it so accurately describes so many moments (small and large) in my life, it's stuck there, like a constant punchline to my increasingly surreal existence.

I've just gotten done with my lecture for the day (speaking of hilarity). More on that later, but suffice it to say that I would rather be feared than loved, given the option. My students would rather be enlightened than bemused and perturbed, but no one gave them an option, so tough cookies.

Speaking of hilarity: do you know who would rather be loved? The sad, sad, 1L boy at the table next to me in the lounge. Unfortunately, his paramour/classmate is having none of it. It's like re-living my painfully awkward freshman year of high school just listening to them: and please believe, I am listening. This is the price you pay for breaking up in a public place and being totally insufferable while doing it.

Things don't look good for our would-be Romeo. Earlier this year, he decried the lack of "Supreme Court Advocacy" classes at our school, and I informed him that the best way for him to get in front of SCOTUS was to wait in line with everyone else (I'm a dream killer). To be fair, I wouldn't have to kill his dreams if he wouldn't insist upon being totally overbearing and condescedning in every way.

The passing of a semester has not wisened this one up.

For starters, he's made the unfortunate mistake of telling her that she's being "PMS-y." (...and hilarity ensued). It only takes a marginal amount of perception to know that this is never, ever, a good plan, so if his appearance alone didn't tell you that he doesn't get out much, then his surprise that this assessment might not go over smoothly definitely would. She's trying to disprove his PMS theory by being as rational and reasonable as humanly possible, which only makes her look a little bit more crazy and a lot more irritated. PMS or no PMS, this girl is going to crack, and the result are going to be ugly for Romeo.

He also has 6 bound copies of the Constitution out on the table, like so many Gideon Bibles (...and how could hilarity not ensue?). I do not think that this is going to help his cause.

It's so irritating when larval lawyers try to employ their newly learned courtroom skills in their normal human interactions: the "I am more rational than you" tone, the abuse of the word "logically" and "it follows that," the false presentation of totally calm and rational debate- really, it's enough to make a person stand up and scream. If you haven't learned interpersonal skills by law school, moot court alone will taint you for the rest of the world.

He's now facing the terrifying false calm of a woman who is about to snap and strangle him- I know, having seen this approach from my mother, and emulated it myself (...and hilarity ensued). Like many unsuspecting law students, he doesn't seem to see it coming.

There is deep breathing, and weighty sighs, suggestions of "going on a break" and "I didn't realize." Both are pretending that this is a totally normal conversation to have in the middle of a crowded lounge (hint: It's not...and hilarity ensued). Prepare for the onslaught of long-suffering groans and the throwing of heads upon desks. If either were more attractive, it might be a soap opera.

As they're not, it's just a hilarious parody of what they think lawyers breaking up should look like: wordy, hyperbolic, and a little inane. Whoops! She's finishing with "in summation..." and he's pleading "but can I just respond to...?" (...and hilarity ensued).

Things are looking pretty ugly for Romeo. For everyone else in the lounge? We're just hoping she snaps...and hilarity ensues.

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All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson