Monday, November 03, 2008

Partisanship is peachy.

I don't know if you've noticed...but there's an election tomorrow. Apparently. And, much to our founders' surprise and delight, people are quite engaged, and everyone's got an opinion. Have you noticed this? I live in a cave, and I've noticed.

If you haven't voted yet* (a proposal: send "I Voted" stickers with the absentee ballots? Please?), Google Maps has a polling place finder. You, too, can wander into some good citizen's rec room are perform your patriotic duty!

Here's the thing about "elections" and "opinions": Can we yell a little less, please, guys?

You see, I'm in the law school, where undecided voters are as numerous as Sasquatch- as in, I think I saw one out running in the woods, but it might have just been a raccoon, or a chipmunk. People have Very Strong Opinions. Also (have you noticed this about law students?), they are always right. This opens up a seething black hole in the lounge, when the McCain camp runs afoul of the Obama camp over the Disenfranchised Third Party's support luncheon. There's so much Knowing The Real Truth happening in one place, we are two angels short of a revelation.


I'm not sure if you heard, but people who vote for Obama/Biden are vitriolic socialists. People who vote for McCain/Palin are dundering close-minded Neanderthals. Either way, your vote probably indicates that you hate women, Joe the Plumber, and people in general. While this means that either way, I should fit in (I hate people), it does not make me happier to see any of these soldiers for the Cause.

Word on the street is: if McCain wins, we will enter into a nuclear holocaust and our children will never learn evolutionary theory. If Obama wins, we will be murdered in our beds with coat hangers by rogue pro-choice lesbians.

They are turning my lounge to a D-list episode of Crossfire and sending the value of my degree into a death spiral with the moronic parroting of talking points. Engage in political discourse, sure- but talking louder does not make you smarter, kiddos. That's something you all should have learned in 1L Moot Court.

So, lets be clear...When you tell me about your candidate and I look at you like you are an idiot: I don't hate you because of your vote. I hate you because of you. Your voice is annoying. You don't know what you're talking about. And, lest I forget: you're smelly and abrasive. Shut up. You're not as clever or as right as you think you are.


And if you're on the same page as me with all this? You can try to sneak in to my very-exclusive election night party:

In Re: The Law School Election Party

Nobody:

I will be hosting a "Let's Find Out Who Will Be Running/Ruining America for the Next 4 Years" Party on Tuesday, November 4th. Activities include watching rot-your-brain television and flipping to see election results during commercial breaks. Alcohol and left-over Halloween candy will be served.

Only you and Sofa are invited.

- Roommate



Go vote. Just don't tell me about it.



* Which: OH MY GOD. STOP TALKING AND VOTE, THEN GO AWAY.

3 comments:

(In)Sanity Gal said...

That may be the best thing I've ever read. And I'm all up in the election. But you are so, so right.

Vittoria said...

i think you are amazing. even if i'm totally one of the people you're talking about :)

Philosofya said...

I adore the fact that someone in law school thinks this way. Thank you for putting into words what I've been muttering under my breath while spilling coffee all over myself for months.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson