Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Law School Makes You Fat And Miserable.

Law school makes you fat.* There's really no other way around it.** 1Ls, revel in that tanned, lithe, undergraduate body of yours while you can, because winter is coming, and with it the body of a disgruntled beluga.

Remember "outside"? Upperclassmen, you may have to focus for this exercise. "Outside" is that place with the big green things, thats not quite so fluorescent-y as that place you are now. Sometimes, it has "snow," which is probably what motivated you to hole up in the stacks, anyway. It's nice, really, this "outside" place, but you're never going to see it again.

Because right now? Right now is finals season. If you have not commenced freaking out, children, it is because you're a 3L with a job. And cupcakes. And you know what they say about cupcakes: they are better than law school. By a long shot.

But I digress (petulantly, and with much stamping of feet). It is getting to be finals season, and that means that Everything is Wrong.***

Today was Not a Very Nice Day. My computer spontaneously combusted (result: I am borrowing a laptop from Fred Flintstone. He says "Yabba dabba doooo!"). It is not, despite the IT guys' assurances to the contrary, going to be covered under warranty.****

After the Great Computer Fire of '08, I went outside to take a breather, where I bit it on the ice outside the law school. In an attempt to shake it off, I took myself for a walk in the snow. Although I did not get shat upon by a Griffin, I did notice that life was a little...breezier. Because there was a hole in my pants. The second pair in a week, by the way, to bust open on the inner left thigh. No seam there- just spontaneous jean combustion. Because of the fatness. And maybe my inability to wear pants like a normal human being.

Did I have to give a presentation to the 1Ls today? Why yes, yes I did. Did I go with a big blazingly inappropriate hole in my pants and pretend I didn't know? I think you know the answer to that question (sorry 1Ls for the blindingly white thighs. Think of it as a warning of things to come).

So I went to the mall, because I'm running out of pants, what with the fact that being near me seems to cause spontaneous combustion. I tried on...too many jeans, paid too much for a pair, sat down in a dressing room and had a good pout. Because law school also makes you ugly. And your jeans don't fit.

(Dear Significant Others of Law Students: Law school also makes you totally divorced from reality. Please bear with us and tell us we are pretty and smart and don't have troglodyte hair, and we will buy you very nice things when we have real jobs. xoxox - Nobody)

It's possible that I caught a bout of Awful from the Chapstick Incident, but I don't think so. I would research this matter further, but I have a 40 page paper to write. Don't ask me what on. My family thinks they are getting Christmas presents, but they clearly haven't read last year's missive yet (the CliffNotes version: "You have to love me, we're related!"). My laundry routine has been reduced to "Nope, doesn't smell yet!" and this afternoon prompted a minor crisis when I realized I'd left my highlighters at home.

Yep. Totally normal day in mid-November. Stupid law school.

LawSchool: Take in small doses.
Side effects include: weight gain, loss of sexual appetite, wardrobe dysfunctions, dramatic overstatements, bad hair, typist's elbow, constipation, vomiting, chronic memory loss, poor cocktail party conversation, self-loathing, career crises, nausea, Real Simple subscriptions, alcoholism, "cheap date" syndrome, rambling blog entries, sleep loss, inability to perform basic life functions, caffeine addiction, coma, and other related problems.

* Number of people who have gotten to this page with that google query: 17.

** Competing studies have suggested that cupcakes make you fat, and law school makes you self-loathing. The jury is still out.

*** No really, it is. Also, I found out the word limit for my Note includes footnotes. I'm practicing.

****What good is a warranty, if it doesn't cover spontaneous combustion?


(In)Sanity Gal said...

Think of how brilliantly we'll be able to deal with crazy people after this.

And side note - I had 2 pair of jeans from gap that both tore on the inner left thigh. were yours from gap? cause i think it's their fault. and we should sue them for making us feel bad.

paragon2pieces said...

I also tore a pair of jeans in the inner thigh this morning as I was putting them on. Not good for the ego.

Philosofya said...

Inner thigh jeans tearing is absolutely normal. And all law school's fault. Hope the season gets brighter.

adele said...

"It is getting to be finals season, and that means that Everything is Wrong."

You are absolutely right about this.

I'm still pretending I don't have outlines to work on. I think I'm going to bake cake.

Amanda said...

Oh the agony of the jean split. Definitely been there. I see that you have me on your blog roll and wanted to drop by and say I'm returning the favor!
Now, I'm going to go make cupcakes.

newduck said...

"the body of a disgruntled beluga"... I love it! Your blog cracks me up.

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson