Sunday, March 30, 2008

Memo #8: Just because it covers your skin doesn't mean it's clothing

Dear NoState Law School (Personnel Management Division),

We may need to have an intervention. You see, I understand that you are Very Far From Fashionable and The Coasts and Frequently Misguided and also have a population clearly resembling your burgeoning beef industry. Because of these unfortunate facts, I am willing to make allowances when your population makes Very Bad Personal Choices.

However: there is a line, and it has been crossed, and it has been crossed by one of your own. When Little Susie Sluts-for-Grades shows up in the ensemble mentioned below, bad things are bound to happen. The offense to vision and good taste was clad in the following:

a. Black, worn-thin, full-length leggings: NoState, I think you know how I feel about leggings on people who are not (a) fabulous and leggy, or (b) Lindsay Lohan, who can’t help it. Stumpy McMuffin-Legs does not get legging privileges.

b. Tatty, too-short, black T-Shirt: Tatty black T-Shirts are for punk rockers, athletes, and the grubby-chic, not for Rosie O’Donnell, Drew Barrymore, and Angus the Steer’s hairspray-doused lovechild (please see: potentially cute (kisses, Drew!) but still very, very, very disconcerting.)

c. Uggs, Rolled down: There is fur there, and also, I suspect, fleas.

d. Black Crocheted sweater shirt shawl monstrosity: First of all, its crocheted, and this is not arts & crafts camp. Second of all, if it can’t be identified as a specific article of clothing, don’t put it on. Warm cuddly blankets are for sitting by the fire with beautiful men and good coffee, not parading yourself around the law library like you’ve been attacked by a herd of gothic grandmothers.

e. Black Leather Buckles: Maybe I’m not that clever, but why do we put enormous black leather buckles up the back of a crocheted-something? What exactly are they holding together? Why are they so large? Why is staring at someone’s back in Contracts causing me to have an aneurysm? Is she dressed as luggage? If you look bovine, and you act bovine, why in God’s name would you insist upon reminding people by wearing bovine?

So, People In Charge: This problem needs to be fixed. While I appreciate the attempt at color-coordination (and appropriate shades for mourning the passing of good taste), this rogue dresser looks like a crazed tarantula. Please, for the love of all that's holy- put it away.




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...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson