Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Misappropriation of Terms: "Snarky"

Dear Sneaky Bastard,

Your adoring public has been long-awaiting your inevitable online evisceration. For some time, I resisted mocking you here- you have so few friends, you see, and I pitied you as you cried silent tears of self-loathing into your Con Law reading. Then I remembered two things:
1. You don't have friends because you are mean to them, and, unlike myself or Funny Mean Friend, are not clever enough to clothe your mean in humor.
2. We are law students, and, by our very nature, prone to crying silent tears of self-loathing. You don't earn any pity-points for fulfilling your role in the legal social order. 3Ls golf, 2Ls look for jobs, 1Ls cry. Its the nature of things.

I was willing to let a lot of sins fall by the wayside, but then you did a Very Bad Thing: you misappropriated MY word. You, Sneaky Bastard are not "snarky": you are icky, you are malicious, but you are not snarky. Snarky is funny & clever, though a little mean-spirited. Snarky drinks fabulous cocktails and raises its eyebrows skeptically and the goings-on around it. Snarky will kill you with literary illusions, satirize your poor fashion choices, and then give you a smile & wink & blow you a "bite me!" air-kiss.

You are icky. Let me explain: while Snarky is being fabulous, Icky is looking at Icky's classmates like they are naked...Yes, Icky. I DO have a nice butt. I've noticed too. And now, so has everyone else. I understand that the Very Short Skirt Halloween Incident was quite a challenge for you. None the less: Keep your hands & your eyes where they can't pollute the Snarky, thanks. Also, helpful tip: If you already look like a pedophile, then pedophilia jokes just. Aren't. Funny. People are bound to take you seriously.

You are insufferable. Yes, yes. You are a law student, which makes you Very Special And Clever. Please don't confuse what your mother thinks with what the rest of the world does. We don't reallllly believe that you "know more about the Constitution than anyone in the class, even drunk," and we are very, very skeptical when you offer to "tutor" us. Don't forget, we are Very Special and Clever, too, and our mothers already told us that WE were the Very Best Ever. There's no room for two Bests, and we're cuter than you.
Snarky is not insufferable, snarky is inherently superior. Please do not be confused.

You are creepy. If you really must read over other people's shoulders, its best not to reveal yourself by talking about it later. They are bound to be saying bad things about you, and the eavesdropper always gets what he deserves. If you must be sneaky, at least be smart- keep your mouth shut, and blog about it somewhere anonymous. If you can manage to say something clever, I might even link to you. Snarky is subtle, not lurking.

Oh. And if you feel the twinge of recognition here: yes, this is directed at you. Stop making constipated-breathing noises in the library, it sounds like you're making love to a hippo.




All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson