Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fatty wants a cookie?

Dear "law school is making me fat" searcher:

Hey, me too! But please see the previous conversation with Roommate- law school is not making you fat, it is making you self-loathing. Believe me, I have to clarify for myself sometimes, too.

I know that we've picked a crazy, sadistic profession, full of crippling self esteem problems and equally embarrassing drinking "habits": but wouldn't it be easier to hate yourself over something a little less teen-angsty?

There are sexier, more grownup ways to freak out: ones that actually involve consuming tremendous amounts of self-indulgent food and liquor, instead of wishing you could. Corrollation? I don't know what you are talking about. Please remember, however, that when you took the LSAT, you voluntarily consigned yourself to the ranks of the pale, squishy, and occasionally unwashed. The upside is that the clothes & cars get better as the student loan debt gets smaller- the downside is that pretty much everything else gets uglier...or more expensive to fix. Stop with the fatphobia, and enjoy your relative hotness while you can.

I know you need to agonize, however. Let's refocus your energy to something more productive and age-appropriate. Just think- that moronic nose picker in your Contracts class almost certainly understands everything better than you. Chances are, when you're begging JD's R Us for a job, he'll be tootling around in a 3 piece suit, spouting all sorts of interesting constitutional drivel. Feel better?

Also, you should know- everyone is watching you. Stop saying such stupid things in class. You'll probably never get a job. Single? You're likely to stay that way. You could work out, but you'll probably fail Property if you do. I hear panic gives you adrenaline, and adrenaline stimulates weight loss, so how about you sit and think about the future of your social life in the next few months?

See, its all in the perspective- we have to be strategic about the ways we hate ourselves. Still feel fat? Me too. Here's the upside- you're the 4th person to find this blog with that search, so maybe we're starting a revolution.

Personally, I recommend a cookie. And a nap.

- Nobody


In it to my eyeballs said...

I find that good cheese may also, in a pinch, substitute for a cookie. Especially if said cheese comes with good bread and good wine. Then you can have a cookie for dessert. If that, however, is a little too highbrow for the level of self-loathing that grad and/or law school inspires in all us chubbies--a twinkie is also an appropriate low.

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson