Saturday, December 08, 2007

Hello, I'm in Grad School. Of COURSE I have inadequacy issues.

If I am not dreaming in outline form, it is because I am not sleeping.

For this reason, I will be taking blogging short-cuts (as opposed to usually, when I take them out of sheer laziness) for the next week or two.

The following exchange between self & The Other Grad which more or less accurately depicts my current state of mind (and that of my classmates). Other Grad was assigned "crying" as homework in therapy. This is perfect, because grad school a) makes you want to cry, and b) forces you talk yourself out of it, just like all your other 'assignments.'

Cynicism is running healthily high right now, am considering calling up this guy for a date. We have alot in common.



Dear TOG,

I create crises in my person life to avoid dealing with my academic life, I think. So, rather than self-sabatoging, I should probably pick up my Torts book, no?

Feck. Would rather self-sabatoge.

Secondary fact: Watching beautiful men in beautiful suits do oral arguments = hot, hot, hot. Turns out, I don't need men to talk dirty to me, I need them to talk due process to me.

I'm sick.

Nobody

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N-

yes yes yes.

Don't let a subconscious desire to procrastinate and avoid studying until brains fall out sabotage beautiful men doing beautiful oral arguments

Take it from your crazy friend--if you go there, you may be given crying as homework a few years down the line.


- TOG

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TOG:

I will do my best to not get assigned crying as homework, though I cannot promise not to burst into hyperventilating, teary panic attack anyway. Is that like me doing your homework for you? I don't mind, am a chronic cheater anyway.

Are you going to do your homework today, or laugh hysterically re: it? I would approve of either, as you have clearly earned a good cry, but are entitled to feel superior and defiant as well. Dirty martini, maybe?

New policy instated this morning upon horrible hair reflection: We do not have "flaws." We have "quirks." We are so endearing like that, no?


Agreed? Agreed. Fabulous.

- Nobody

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Nobody:

Therapist says:

"I can see why you say other people often think that you are a bitch. But I think you are a very nice person, and I like you. Actually, I like you suprisingly a lot."

GO me. I failed my homework. Actually, both homeworks. There was no crying, and there was also no effective "listening" to self."

Me: "Self, what are you feeling right now...how can I get in touch right now."
Self: "I'm fucking tired, that's how--shut up so we can get another 13 hour night in, dumbass."
Me: "But I have homework."
Self: "You never do homework anyway, why should therapy be any different?"
Me: "Check and check."

I doubt this is the sort of internal monologue that my therapist is going for. However, for next week, I'm supposed to keep track of anytime I have a thought remotely like "I am inadequate."

I'm in graduate school. Is that synonymous? I think so.

- TOG

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Off to the library to be inadequate for awhile!


Then, gingerbread lattes.

This week we learned: Can make s'mores in fireplace (if the flue is open, otherwise its just smoked marshmallows), a good final paper (like obscenity) is something our Miltonic professor "knows when he sees it," 1Ls are useless and not much good for hiring, ice is slippery, laptops are tougher than they look. Glad law school is teaching me something.

0 comments:

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson