Terms & Terminology: A beginner's guide for the non-lawyers

Bar Review: Nothing at all like studying, except in the sense that both are liable to give you a headache and make you want to vomit. Reviewing of bars, best done in large groups.

Bluebook: Rules of citation, written by Harvard students to make other students neurotic & miserable. Extensive and insufferable, as most things that come out of Harvard are. Also, place to look up how much your car is worth.

Civil Procedure: The rules of the game: apparently important to know, but nearly impossible to decipher. Also, in text form, a sleep aide.

Ex Post Facto: "After the fact." Also, a big no-no. If you are stupid this week, but your stupidity is illegal next week, you've slid under the wire...for now.

Gunner: One who 'guns' for a top position in class. Characterized by frequent hand-raising & expostulation, unwitting buffoonery. Universally loathed, frequently mocked.

GoFuckYourself: Loosely translated, what I'm thinking when I give you that blank stare in the library.

Happy Hour: Place the unhappy go to eat fried food and engage law-related coping mechanisms. Where one's loan check is spent.

Hornbook: Thing I fall asleep with my face in. Allegedly useful.

Incest: Dating within the class. Gross. Don't pee in your own swimming pool.

OCI: On-Campus-Interview, or, "Why the 2Ls look so stressed and snazzy in the fall."

Outline: Listing of everything I think I should know for the exam, largely useless when I forget it all anyway. Represents a large output of time, energy & neurosis. Also, full of pretty colors.

Pennoyer v. Neff: Huge, largely, useless pain-in-the-ass. Commonly used as a hazing ritual, source of stress for first years.

Prima Facie: "On the face of it." On the face of it, this case is comprehensible. We go to class to fix that problem.

Tort: Harmful act. Misspelled, something chocolate that is nice to eat.

Tortious: Forcing someone to pay attention in torts, which is tortuous.

Treatise: Thing I fall asleep with my face in

Vanity: a notion law professors enjoy and law students are disabused of.

Westlaw: Online database, which gives out free prizes in order to buy loyalty. Apparently also includes 'resources' and 'case law.' Another source of free food (see "Clubs"), and a big chunk of what your $40k a year is actually buying you. Use it before you lose it. See also, "LexisNexis."

Zoo: Law school, with cuter characters, less shit-flinging.