Monday, October 08, 2007

Dispatches from the Field: Funny Mean Friend Meets the Enemy

Funny Mean Friend just jumped off the diving board and into the shallow end of the educational gene pool, apparently.
For someone so patently sarcastic and bitingly cynical, her most recent assignment (teaching remedial classes to undergrads in her department), is an absolute punishment. She has this to say about people who come in to office hours on the first day of class:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear FMF:

Deconstructionism in crim law, mind officially blown.

Oh god need drink not even 10 am. Shit shit shit.

-Nobody.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody:

drinks? I'll join you. Hate seethe hate.

I mean, gee! Students, by all means, keep assuming I care.

Brown/black hair and brown/black nails do not even begin to give you a warning about how much I am not your friend, cute, perky, slightly chubby li'l blonde freshie? Wow. Keep trying and I might just grow horns and a tail. Evolution, you see. It's only fair that you know that I am, in fact, your mortal enemy. What are the four men doing sitting on horses in the corner of my office? Strategizing their approach for the day I finally bring down the universe and prepare for an epic and holy battle, of course. Can I offer you some pestilence?

No? Well, I'll give it to you if you don't leave now, and quickly.

Work for Moron University and listen to their admission policies and you will, in fact, begin to sympathize even more with Milton's Lucifer. 15 students this year are coming in with LESS than a 900 on their SATs.

That's with all three scores since it is, you recall, now out of 2400 instead of 1600.

Like I said. Horns and a tail. Looking around for a nice lake of fire that I can float around in until I decide on my most insidious and potentially successful plan to take down the man.

Also, Hi! Welcome to WorkHell! Let me know if there is anything I can help you find, or any questions you may have.

Milton's Satan charismatic and interesting? Nothing on the personalities of a disenfranchised, hungry, sleep-deprived, poor graduate student switching between teaching, studenting, and selling.

Now you know.

-FMF

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Am longing for little innocents to unleash scathing annoyance on.
Current candidate: Fat Elle Woods. However, don't really have the requisite energy to dump full fury of my wrath on her, will settle for being vaguely dissatisfied & deeply underwhelmed at overlarge earrings and inappropriate footwear choices. Will think snarky things in my head, and giggle to self in library. Productive? Lord, yes. Evil? Perhaps. But it is not my fault she came to school dressed as a bridesmaid in the marriage of Torts and CivPro, now, is it?


Deeply fear am becoming boring. Need to read more, preferably something with more evil in it than Civ Pro. FMF has inspired Paradise Lost, but it seems pretentious. Also, time consuming. Also, will probably encourage evil tendencies, may result in reconsideration of current career choices.

Hrm.

1 comments:

Rex Parker said...

First, Paradise Lost is about the greatest thing ever written. Not pretentious in the least.

Second, re: intolerable undergrads - for the first time yesterday, I actually swore at one. Right there in my office. He said "some of the names on the study guide you gave us aren't in SparkNotes..." I said, "I don't give a fuck what SparkNotes says. You're not being tested on SparkNotes. You're being tested on the book." "I read the book." "Uh huh, good, then you should have no problem. Goodbye."

All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson