Monday, September 10, 2007

Dispatches from the Field: Correspondence & other time wasters

Rather than "listening" in Torts class (oh, how quickly we fall into dissolution), I've been reading, blogging, and exchanging e-mails with Funny Mean Friend. Our law school class still being at that point of polite camaraderie that characterizes most large conventions of over-achievers, I don't feel particularly comfortable really letting loose with the unreasonable snarkiness that has been my wont. Aside: I've just taught my spell-check to spell "snarkiness": I feel this has been a valuable investment of time & effort.

Unfortunately, Funny Mean Friend's e-mails will actually make me laugh out loud in class. Since Prof has issued a moratorium on email usage in class, this has already caused a number of awkward situations. However, our exchanges do keep me wildly entertained:

Dear FMF,
Met new least favorite person today. Reeks of cigarette smoke, snorts like pig, wears sunglasses inside, talks with (self-involved) lisp.

Also, notably, fat.
We won’t be friends.

How’s grad school, buddy?




Wish I were there. Seriously. It sounds like you need a partner in judging and I would be SO up for the task.

Dear Ex Boss--please don't call me to tell me that you are looking for a job candidate just like me but can't find one. Memo--there isn't one. You lose.

It's really hot here and I need a friend to help me pass judgment on all those stupid enough to wear short shorts indiscriminately.

Meeting later to discuss my "dissertation and publication prospects" vomit. Any other people you are emphatically not friends with?



Only a few people that I am not-friends with yet, but I am just waiting for them to come out of the woodwork. Although:

Dear girl with mole on ass,

Put it away. Your ass is not public property, please do not display it as such. If it won't fit in your pants, perhaps you should look into buying some new ones, or not bending over so often. Also, no, you're wrong. Shut up. Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong and nobody cares! Just. Stop. Talking.

Seriously though. Her ass crack/cleavage was so cavernous leering out of the top of her pants that I nearly vomited down it. Which would have been sick, because it totally would have just pooled in her basement sized asscrack indentation.

The nice part of law school is that the professors are supposed to be snarky and mean, so someone else will shut the really annoying ones up: I deeply appreciate that. They will also shut me up, so I am pretty quiet: its odd to be totally terror-stricken.

My roommate is unbelievably nice, which I'm sure is very pleasant for her, but makes me look bad. I put your awesome insult poetry magnets on my mirror at first (for personal enjoyment), but that seemed a little too self-flagellating, so now they're on the fridge, where my roommate can silently wonder if I'm talking about her. I am not. I think that I've already started being a bad influence on her. I will do my best.


Law school sounds fun. It sounds like people make themselves stupid all of the time, which is great for people like you and me who go through a great deal of trouble to avoid making ourselves stupid and don't acknowledge it when we do. When's that? Never. Damn right, never.

By the way. Hate lumpy ponytails. Hate. Loathe with a really inappropriately strong degree of feeling.

You know why I like running? Actually, there are several reasons, and I will share:

1. It makes me hot(ter).
2. I always see people who I am a) faster and b) more graceful than, and it's good for my ego
3. When I walk around the rest of the day I can legitimately say things in my head like, "hey fatty, you know who should run? You. Because I, unlike you am hot, and I, unlike you am motivated, and I, unlike you, know what it means to get off of my ass and accomplish something. And I, unlike you, run for fun--whereas you should run to make the world a better place.
4. The previous statement can also harbor the amendment "and I unlike you, could actually wear what you are wearing and STILL look good (because I run) but I, unlike you, have far too good of taste to do such a foolish foolish thing.
5. Running makes naps better.
6. It is also the best time to use an iPod
7. I still haven't recovered from my dysfunctionally competitive athletic past.

This is today's contribution to society.

Wow. I thought it would be dinner time by now, but it isn't. I wonder if I should make it dinner time anyway. Then I can go to bed at 7. Woo hoo!


I love Funny Mean Friend.


All rights reserved to my snotty and generally self-deprecating writing. And if your comments bother me, I'll delete them. That's right, pumpkin.
...How dreary—to be—Somebody!
How public—like a Frog—
To tell one's name—the livelong June—
To an admiring Bog!
-- Emily Dickinson